If you’re a parent, chances are you’ve experienced this- when your children have no filter and go about happily saying the absolute wrong thing at the wrong time. It is a time when you wish the ground would just swallow you up! So here are some of the times when mums have implored mother earth to just take them into her fold! (*all names have been changed to protect further embarrassment of a mother, who has possibly never lived these down!)
… When we had the talk about the birds and the bees
So, I was giving the little one, all of 3, a shower, and of course, we just had to play the body parts game. And being the worrywart that I am, I decided to have the Safe-unsafe; touch conversation with him. Which included telling him the names of all his body parts, including the private ones. That evening, an elderly relative of the husband’s visited us, and our wonderfully chatty boy decided to introduce himself – and his body parts to her. Imagine my mortification when I return with the chai and find the boy engrossed in telling her all about his ‘Pee-niss’ (because it’s where we pee from, apparently). Sigh. I don’t think I’ve seen that aunty visit our house again.
… When they heard the one word in the movie they’re not supposed to
You know, how in the old day, before Netflix and Hotstar, we used to have movie channels? (yes, my children think it very quaint now.) well, when the younger one was learning to talk,
I just happened to put on a movie. It was a very funny movie, with a very ironic scene (you’ll know why in a bit), where the baby learns a very naughty word that they’re not supposed to. I chuckle. The husband and mother-in-law walk in. ‘What are you watching?’ they ask. ‘Meet the…’ I say. “Faulker’. Baby completes. Grinning. And just in case we didn’t hear it the first times, repeats it in increasingly loud volumes: ‘Faulker! Faulker!! FAULKER!!!’.
…When they had a fashion show for our guests
My son and his cousin are quite close in age and love playing together. So, at a rather large family gathering at ours, it wasn’t a surprise to see them running around, playing, plotting and conspiring. After dinner, as we were settling down rather comfortably in the living room, the boy and his cousin declare that they will now entertain us with a ‘fashion show’. Of course, we love the idea and clapped very enthusiastically. The kids disappear ‘Backstage’ – which was my bedroom, with instructions to their dad to play a particular song. As the beat of the song picks up, with all of us clapping, my son and his cousin re-appear. Dressed in my raciest lingerie. Leopard print thongs, cut-out bras… the works! And strut about with it in from of all the relatives. There was shocked silence for a second… followed by peals and peals of laughter. This is now part of family legend, retold to every new daughter-in-law joining the family!
Also look up: Teaching Children Discipline in a Joint Family
… When we were nearly arrested for child trafficking
We were on our annual trip to visit my in-laws. And my son loves his grandparents. After spending two whole wonderful weeks with them, it was time to head back home. But our son wouldn’t hear of it. So we booked a late-night flight. We put him to bed and picked up the sleeping child and headed to the flight. We knew that he’d throw a fit if he was awake and wouldn’t come. It was all great until we reached the immigration counter. My son woke up with all the noise and saw that we were leaving. He immediate started wailing – and screamed out in English ‘You’re NOT MY MUMMA AND DADDA. Help! I want to go back!’ We were immediately surrounded by a lot of officious looking people, who wanted to question us, and take my boy away from his ‘kidnappers’. It took us a good half an hour to convince them that we really were his parents, and we almost missed our flight!
… When death threats were issued to my boss!
I’m a working mom. So after I put my daughter to bed, I usually check my emails and messages and respond to them on the phone. One evening, after my daughter fell asleep, I went to the bathroom leaving my phone by the bedside. When I return, to my horror, my daughter was awake and was busy pressing buttons on my phone! I quickly look at the messages and thanks to autocorrect and predictive text, she’s sent this to my boss: Ha. Die. With kiss.
Thankfully, my boss has children too, and took it in the right spirit! But I’m taking my phone to the bathroom with me the next time!